And We Have A WINNER!

We have a winner in the "Most Stupid People" category.

After waiting anxiously for months, we would like to congratulate the city of New Orleans for earning the "Most Stupid People" award. New Orleans just RE-elected Ray Nagin to be their mayor. This is the same man that refused to issue an evacuation to the residents of New Orleans as the hurricane Katrina slammed into it. This is the same man who refused to help people out of the city with the use of buses (who could soon forget the fantastically hilarious picture of hundreds of buses underwater?). This is the same man who refused to initiate the evacuation plan...oh wait..he really didn't have one. Perhaps this is what put him over the top for the voters? this is the same man who claimed racism at every turn. Again, congrats to the unbelievably stupid people of New Orleans...well done!

Coming in second, with a strong showing (remember, it came in fourth (just out of the money) for the last three years), the people of the state of Illinois. Nicely done Illinoisans. Illinois boasts of electing three of the most flaming idiodic liberals from which one could possibly choose: Barak Obama, Dick (The dick) Durbin, and Richard Daley (granted, Daley is only the mayor of Chicago, but that's where most of the liberals live). Second place recipients will receive the incompetent political representation which they deserve, nice job.

Coming in third, perennial winner of this category, BUT NOT THIS YEAR, the people of the state of Massachusetts. WOW, What a drop! Massachusetts can usually brag about the MOST incompetent blowhards in the U.S. Congress, Ted (My God, I'm not sober, am I?) Kennedy and John (Ready for Duty except in a time of War) Kerry. Who would have ever thought that the people that elect these two to congress year after year would ever be dethroned?

We would like to congtatulate all entrants, good job, and please, keep being stupid.

Somewhere in Rural England...

Mrs. SR: Oh honey, you look so dour. It must surely be bad news.
SR: It is good news and bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Mrs. SR: Of course, the bad news. We have had so much bad news, it is now almost like a warm blanket to me.
SR: You are too funny, but the bad news it is most...
Mrs. SR: They did not buy the rights, did they?
SR: No they did not.
Mrs. SR: But why? Every single American studio...why?
SR: They have their reasons.
Mrs. SR: But your book, it was a worldwide best seller. What can be their reasons?
SR: They say it will not sell. They say religion is a taboo subject. It is untouchable.
Mrs. SR: But that is a lie. What of “The Da Vinci Code”, “The Last Temptation of Christ”, “Jesus Christ Superstar”?
SR: That is different, they say.
Mrs. SR: How? How is it different?
SR: They say they can find no actors, no directors, no producers who even want a part of it.
Mrs. SR: Hogwash! With all the heroes in Hollywood?!?
SR: Woman, you slay me. But that is what they say. And they say even if the movie could be made, no theater would show it.
Mrs. SR: Maybe in Denmark...
SR: Nowhere. And they say if the movie were to be made and a theater were to show it, no newspapers would advertise it. No critics would review it.
Mrs. SR: Cowards! Cowards and hypocrites!
SR: Woman, do not be so harsh. It is only business, they say. They assure me that if they thought it would sell, they would pay top dollar.
Mrs. SR: Sometimes your naivete gets annoying. “The Satanic Verses” was a worldwide bestseller, Salman. They lie to you.
SR: Yes, I know. I know.
Mrs. SR: But you said you have some good news, let us hear it then.
SR: Ah, yes. Sony has agreed to buy the rights to my next book for ten million American dollars..
Mrs. SR: That is great news. What was the title again?
SR: “John the Baptist: Jesus on the Down Low”.

Crossposted @ Sticks and Stones

Update

Great news. Looks like we got our bumper music for the show.
No thanks to Dave, who has spent the last 2 weeks in bitter negotiations with surviving members of the boy band Menudo. Things were going well until Dave began to chant, “No se puede!”
However, a local metal band, Broken Vegas, has stepped up and tentatively agreed to our request to use their music.
Check out their web-site here, listen to some of their stuff, and don’t be afraid to burn up that credit card!

In the News

I did not want to be the one to go public with this, but a North Carolina district attorney has come forward with DNA evidence claiming Dave has been indicted on a charge of sexual misconduct with a hermaphrodite transsexual she-male altar boy pole-dancer.
We here at the Total Kaos Blog, refuse to believe our fellow blogger/show host would ever stoop to the level of sexual predation of pre-pubescent, brass pole straddling, pseudo-female Catholic priest quarry; although he has been known to frequent a off-color bar known as “The Sanctuary’.
Dave has denied any indiscretion, claiming his prescription to Ambien may have caused him to sleep-molest.
“I don’t remember feeling little Jim up, if that’s what your asking.” He replied to this reporter’s queries as to his reported queerness. “Sure it could have happened, but what happens in a Vegas trailer, stays in a Vegas trailer.”
So after scrubbing my ears and brain with a coarse triple-action Brillo Pad, I felt it was the responsibility of this host to bring this unfortunate story to light. And ask of my fellow voice in net radio to get the help he so obviously is in need of.
I am well aware of the internal struggle that must be waging within your pea sized brain, so let me step forward and help you begin the healing...
“My name is Dave and I am attracted to young, tight, Christian, he-shes....”

Hide the Women and Children

Well my friends, it seems to be here at last.
Total Kaos with Glen and Dave @ WideAwakesRadio is a less than 2 months away.
Can it be true that our fearless leader, Kender, has actually set the date of July 4th for the audio onslaught to begin? What the heck am I asking you for? The answer is YES!
We were offered and promptly accepted the coveted 3:08 to 3:23 AM ‘last call’ drive slot. Take that Illegals! See, Dave and Glen will take jobs no other Americans would. And for half the price, as well. Hell, just paint us brown and give us a weed whacker and we’ll march on City Hall.
The decision was not without some tumultuous rumblings, coming from Cracker of course. It seems that ovarian cyst just won’t respond to treatment. But after much discussion, brow beating, half a fifth of Thunderbird, and the promise of a grande chicken quesadilla, Dave finally acquiesced.
I simply defined for him our prime demographic. The much sought after 21-32 year old male with 2 DUIs, a GED, NASCAR bumper stickers(on the paint, not the chrome) on their ‘83 Firebirds, and a hydroponic lab in their mother’s basement.
So keep stopping in for updates on times, dates, and Dave’s ‘condition’.

The Fountain of Wisdom That is Cracker

I love quotes, always have. I search for them. Collect them. Keep them in special places. Use them when they fit the conversation or circumstance.
I am sure many of you are the same. There is an allure, it seems, to those potent words of wisdom left to we mere mortals by the great vast minds of the past.
Minds such as Churchill, Aristotle, Lincoln, and Einstein.
And, my friends, I am here to tell you we are today witness to another such monumental intellect. A mind so grand and immeasurable that we of finite gray matter can only stand like apes, mouths open and agape, in awe at the grandeur of one with such mental calisthenics.
I speak here, of course, of our friend Cracker (sorry, bet you thought I was working towards Ted Kennedy).
Yes, you read it right, Cracker.
With the recent remarkable National Geographics survey having again shone light on the ignorance that is daily spawned in our government schools, it is at least somewhat reassuring to know that we here at The Wide Awakes have among us one of such magnificent and unfathomable brain power. A true mental giant.
His splendiferous thought processes so tread in the realm of unworldly definition as to push my poor WordPerfect thesaurus into the furthest reaches of its vast abilities.
He is a God. Omniscient and surely omnipotent. Uncountable neurons firing infinite axons, building thoughts of such depth and breadth no universe could contain their utter profound substance.
And with that in mind, I give you this from Cracker the sage.

“It’s not always smart to make something smarter than yourself.”

Oh my God, I am on my knees in awe.
Even now, hours after having received the gifts of his vast mental prowess I feel like a gnat on the shoulder of a god.
Thank you, Cracker, for the words now destined to grace my headstone. Thank you, Cracker, thank you.